The Devil is a Lousy Back Seat Driver
by FluffyGlitterPantsDragon
Summary: Officer Nolan makes a new friend. Kind of. Chloe rolls her eyes. Short one shot. First season Lucifer.


"Officer Bishop reporting a traffic stop, plate FALL1N1, make - Chevy, model -"

"_-Copy. Yeah, we know the one. Good luck."_

Nolan admired the sleek black car in front of them. The top was down, revealing one blonde head facing stiffly forward, one black-haired male gesturing animatedly. One of the two didn't seem overly concerned.

Before becoming a cop, John Nolan thought he'd seen everything in LA already - particular cars and drivers known to the police wouldn't be weird. Did they pull over a movie star? A famous athlete? "That is an unusual plate. Fall-one-n...fallen one? Fallen what exactly? Sounds like a bad ska band." The joke fell flat. Bishop didn't even look at him. He tried again. "I take it you know the driver?"

Bishop snorted. "Yeah, you could say that. The woman driving isn't the owner of the car; that's the guy with her. Him you watch out for. I've got dozens of second hand stories about him."

"Why do I get the feeling this won't be an average traffic stop?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about. I would never withhold any necessary information you might need to do your job." She unhooked her shoulder belt and shoved her door open. "C'mon Boot, let's go raise some hell."

He had a bad feeling about this. _This is just a traffic stop, right?_ Nolan checked his cop camera on his chest and grabbed his ticket book. "Aren't we going to wait for the registration information to come back on that plate? They're not wanted for anything, are they?"

"Nah. Move it."

He followed her lead, not really _nervous_, per se, but on alert. Which, really, he ought to be for all stops. He hadn't been on the job long, but weirdness came in all forms. The blonde woman with a ponytail flicked a look back at them. Her eyes widened at Bishop, then she bent forward and bumped her forehead on the steering wheel several times.

Behavior indicating she was frustrated, but probably not going to lash out. Maybe. The man in the passenger seat leaned back, relaxed and amused. He tucked away his sunglasses. His hair appeared to be entirely unaffected by the drive, held down with product and looking more like a celebrity than his driving companion. He seemed to recognize Bishop or just realized she had rank here, giving her a two fingered salute with a smile. The eyes shifted over Nolan dismissively, focusing on his trainer instead of him.

He already didn't like the guy. He picked up an argument in full swing between the two; him still smiling and her responses muffled by distance and the direction she was facing.

Coming to the slick guy's side, their bickering got more discernible.

The man was doing something with the dashboard. Hopefully grabbing paperwork. His voice came out clear and distinctly British. "Ah, the familiar sound of sirens whooping in the wind. Does it ever make you miss your old days, Detective? That's the only reason I could think you of all people would be speeding. Honestly I should let you drive this thing more often, gets the blood pumping, doesn't it?"

"Shut up, Lucifer. I am never driving your car again."

"I do have others, you know. If you wanted something without a stick-shift, you're looking in the wrong place."

_Detective? Wait, what did she call him? Was that a dick joke?_

Bishop planted her feet. "License and registration? Detective Decker?

The woman - _Detective? _\- ground her teeth, pryed a hand off the wheel and fished her license out of her purse. "Officer Bishop. I'm carrying my police-issued sidearm on me. That and my badge are on my hip."

The man whipped around to regard Nolan's training partner. He grinned. "Officer _Bishop! _Well, I for one am familiar with unfortunate names; we appear to have a shared burden, you and I. I don't believe we've met, officer." He extended a ridiculously long arm to her, behind Deckers head.

She didn't take it, ignoring him again. Dryly, "I'd ask where the fire is, but police scanners aren't turning up any right now."

Decker shook her head. "No fire. I just...got a little carried away."

Her passenger slapped his thigh. "Did she ever! You should have seen her before she got boring again. Could've been halfway across the city by now. Do you know this lovely woman, Detective?"

Bishop kept her attention on Decker but spoke to the dark-haired man. "Shame you weren't driving this time. I'd love to see how you usually get out of tickets." She nodded to Decker. "Looks like you're on the hook, girlfriend. If you want my advice, ditch him asap. His reputation precedes him. And not in a good way."

Nolan couldn't keep his mouth shut any longer. "_Usually_? And you don't know how?"

The man huffed when Bishop didn't return the friendly greeting, turning around to look up at Nolan. To add insult to injury, she spoke over him as he started to speak, "Trainee Nolan, meet LAPDs biggest pain in the ass, Lucifer Morningstar. And someone I used to work with, Chloe Decker. Least likely pair if I ever saw one."

His brain skipped a beat.

_Lucifer_ waved his registration at Nolan. Decker angrily plucked it from his fingers and handed it over to Bishop. He kind of wanted to see if the name matched, but his partner wouldn't pull his leg that far. Probably, not when the man seemed so pleased with himself on the name.

Lucifer tilted his head at Nolan. He had an air of confidence that could only mean trouble. "Haven't seen you before, Mr. Up-and-coming. Pleased to meet you as well." He reached in his jacket pocket. Nolan tensed and almost put his hand on his gun, but he only saw a flash of bundled green bills inside the fancy suit jacket. Decker caught the movement and slapped a hand across his chest to stop him. Lucifer sighed heavily at her, pulling a cigarette case out instead. "I suppose you know your own better than I do." He quickly lit up, turning back to him with a sultry smile. "Perhaps I'll get to know all the handsome officers in time."

He chuckled uncomfortably. "Can't say I've seen your name in any movie credits, and I'm afraid I haven't heard about Satan living here, unless Hell changed location."

"You're behind the end times, my friend. I've been topside for a while now. In any case, we'd best be on our way. There's probably a murder to solve somewhere and my trusty partner and I should be on it. And by on it-"

He was now both more and less confused. "Did we interrupt a lover's quarrel here?"

Bishop looked over the registration slip. "Possibly, but I never pegged her as the cheating type. I've been wrong before."

Chloe snapped, "we're separated."

Lucifer tutted. "Darling, we only just became _partners, _you're leaving me so soon?"

Nolan was lost. "Come again?"

"What? In public? Not that I'm opposed, but I'm fairly certain that's against a law somewhere." Lucifer gave him a slightly more critical pass. "With a little work you could be quite attractive. We could play a private game of good cop, bad cop. I want to be the good cop if you know what I mean."

Bishop did not return his desperate look.

"I'm not going to play - _you're a cop?_"

She did finally look up at that. "Decker?"

Chloe Decker glared daggers at her passenger. "He is _not _a cop. Our _partnership _is professional."

Lucifer crossed his arms and actually stuck his tongue out at her. "I'm practically a cop. Officer Morningstar sounds nice, doesn't it?"

Nolan muttered, "and I thought I was the one with the mid-life crisis."

Decker rubbed her face. "He's our new civilian consultant and I'm working with him since I don't have a detective partner right now. I don't know how he convinced anyone he should be in police work-"

The man fake gasped. Nolan hoped it was a fake gasp. "Why, Detective, you said you didn't _want _to know, have you changed your mind?" Lucifer looked ready to spill a story and Decker looked at the sky.

Bishop tore off the ticket sheet. "There's that world famous Decker eye-roll. So you got stuck with the Devil? Somehow I'm not surprised."

Lucifer smiled like he'd been offered a cake. "We make a great team, don't we, Detective?"

Nolan did a visual scan, but nothing jumped out at him, no reason to search the car. "I'm guessing working with the Devil has some benefits. Can you identify criminals by sight?"

He pursed his lips. "Only if I met them and were introduced as such. Same as you, I imagine. What's this about a mid-life crisis, Nolan was it?"

"Officer Nolan. I became a cop this year. I got into the game late, but I think I made the right decision. Officer Bishop is showing me the ropes."

Officer Bishop cut an eye at him.

Nolan cleared his throat. "Are you attending the Academy now? Might be nice to have someone else as old as me to show around."

Chloe groaned. Bishop smiled. _Oh crap._

The Devil actually looked flabbergasted. "You have no idea who I am, have you?"

The jointly shared pained expressions of the female police personnel gave Nolan sudden stomach acid. _Oh God._ "At this point, I'm guessing anything I come up with is going to be the wrong answer, and you're going to tell me anyway, so."

Lucifer threw an elbow to rest on the door edge, looking directly up at him as if their positions should be reversed. Were reversed. Smoke from his cig curled up into his space. Lucifer's voice came out grating, brooking no room for less than his full attention. "I left Hell six years ago, where _everyone _knew exactly who and what I was, to this. I even kept my name and no one believes me. Well, almost no one. A few street preachers do. I came here for a holiday but now I'm here to see justice done. Can't punish souls in Hell and frankly I was tired of all the constant screaming. This is the next best thing."

Well, that was new. "We have a court system for that."

Lucifer laughed. "_Court system_. The lawyers dance around it all day long like a bloody maypole. This scrap of paper your _Bishop _just issued will surely vanish like so many others."

Detective Decker, to her credit, poked him in the shoulder angrily. "It _will not. _I made a mistake and I'm going to own it."

He looked at her like she was crazy. "Surely you don't want this on your record."

"It's mine. I'll pay it."

He turned back to Nolan with a last, disbelieving look at her. Those eyes, impossibly dark even under the bright sun, drilled in to him. "Office Nolan, do you really believe you're going to make a difference in this world with this last minute, reckless change? Just throwing into the wind everything you've done so far with your life, hmm? You really think you can just wipe the slate like a sodding Etch-a-sketch and go again?"

There was something deeply personal and searching in that gaze. _Is he wearing eyeliner? _Nolan shook off the heavy feeling that crept up his spine and shrugged with more effort than it looked like. "If not now, when? If I never try I'll never know, right?"

"Ah. So it _is_ a game to you then?"

Bishop looked somewhere between wanting to tear someone's head off and abandoning him entirely to walk back to their station. Nolan swallowed, not sure why the words came out, defensive. "No, of course not. But if I can take that chance, why shouldn't I? And yeah, I'm not taking it lightly either, this may be my last chance to do something meaningful with my life, not counting my son. I'm not gonna change the whole world here, but maybe I can help a few people."

"Hmmph. Complicated, are you? Brillant! Perhaps it was a very good thing that I wasn't driving, I'm thinking I wouldn't get out of a ticket that easily." He pointed at him, still looking like sunshine and rainbows. "You seem to be a credit to your department. And I certainly want to get to know you two better. Come to LUX this weekend, bring some friends."

Lucifer passed him what seemed to be a plain business card. Normally he wouldn't accept anything from, well, anyone, but it looked like just a regular card with the club's address and a number on the back.

His partner gestured with the ticket and a small smile. "Decker here changed careers too."

"Oh yeah? See, everyone can change. What did you do, Detective?"

Lucifer ran roughshod over his partner answering for her, "she was a cracking actress, shame she left, truly. The whole movie scene is worse off for her loss."

He tried to place her reddening face, but didn't come up with anything. "Sorry?"

Chloe shot Lucifer a look. "It was nothing. Less than nothing. I hardly had a _career_ before I moved on. Nothing worth pursuing."

Lucifer was completely oblivious to her discomfort. "_Hot Tub High School!"_

Chloe shoved her sunglasses onto her face. "Can we please go now? I'll pay triple the fine if we can be done now."

The name didn't sound familiar, but it had to be something… "uhm. Not a theater release, I take it?"

Bishop mimed flashing her boobs.

Oh.

Lucifer still looked extremely pleased, like he was driving around with Marilyn Monroe and talking to her on a first-name basis.

Decker sighed.

Bishop nodded. She'd had her fun. "Go _enjoy_ working with your Devil partner."

Lucifer had to get the last word in, speaking to the Detective. "Yes, listen to the nice officer. Have a little fun once in a while."

Chloe cranked the car on. "That's not what she meant."

The officer disagreed, "oh. It definitely was."


End file.
